Wild Thing, You Make My Heart Sick

In our reality television, TMZ world, Charlie Sheen has gained more notoriety for being crazy than for any of his work in Hollywood. It's no surprise really, that the same people who've allowed Keeping Up With The Kardashians to have not one, but two spin-offs, would eat up Charlie Sheen's insanity with the voracity of a stoner given a plate of pizza rolls, but let's see this for what it is. Charlie Sheen is bat shit crazy.

The people who seem to think that Sheen is some edgy genius are stupid. If you're one of those people, you got it right, I'm calling you stupid. I watched his 20/20 interview in its entirety and I saw that his drug test came back negative. I also couldn't help but think that if this is Charlie Sheen sober, someone should have taken hedge clippers to his manhood long before he produced five children. He's very clearly incapable of taking care of himself, let alone his kids. The sad thing is, I'm not entirely sure that Denise Richards and Brooke Mueller give those children any better chance at a decent upbringing.

Charlie Sheen during his 20/20
"interview"

People think it's funny that he laughs about his benders, claiming other prolific drugs users like Keith Richards have nothing on his penchant for almost killing himself. If you're one of those people, you probably think David Carradine just needed a longer belt.

This whole Two And A Half Men drama revolves around two men who have egos larger than the guns in Delonte West's guitar case, and neither of them are able to see the forest through the trees. There is no show without either one of them. As entertaining as Jon Cryer and the kid who used to be fat are, Charlie has always made that show work. Sure, Chuck Lorre's an ass. All you have to do is pause your TV long enough to read one of his post show title cards to realize it. That doesn't, however, exonerate Sheen's behavior.

Sheen's publicist resigned this week. In all likelihood he found better work selling sandals in Siberia. Sheen's spent a week talking about how great he is at everything. Now mind you, he did fail as a serious movie actor, and he's been married three times, but he's "bi-winning." I haven't heard much from him about how bad he feels for putting people out of work, either. The bodies he leaves in his wake don't matter right now. After all, he's got two very homely goddesses (read: out of work porn stars) by his side. Life is good.

Sheen was a childhood icon for
Cleveland Indians fans

Prior to this episode, I've always liked Sheen. He's made a grand living playing himself in movies and on television. Growing up a Cleveland Indians fan, Major League and Sheen were as much a part of my summers as fireflies, fishing, and swimming pools. These developments, however, make me sick.

I've heard some people say that they side with Sheen because Lorre gravy trained his way to TV's number one show and turned a blind eye to his erratic and dangerous behavior until his feelings got hurt. Keep in mind that sometimes it's perfectly acceptable not to take a side. If the Ravens play the Steelers, I root for a tie.

Screw the whole "at least he's honest" bit too. Charlie Sheen has been honest about the things that everyone already knows. Everything else is dismissed as stupid or unimportant.

Perhaps the majority of his 1.1 million twitter followers (at last count) are following him to see what crazy thing he says next. It's possible the Sheen defenders are the minority. Hell, I follow the guy, and I can't help but feel like I'm watching a train derail. 
I'm not writing this to let CBS and Chuck Lorre off the hook for the mess with Two And A Half Men by any means either. There's equal culpability for that show's demise. What's painfully obvious to me, however, is that this stopped being about that show long before Sheen got an hour long television interview.

This is what sobriety looks like?

Quite frankly, Sheen spoke like a cult leader in that interview. He invented phrases, gave his palatial mansion a name, and is developing a harem of women for his bedroom. I don't see how that is anything less than sickening to anyone. This isn't the sequel of Coco vs. NBC. This is the sad and complete deterioration of a man broadcast on live television.

Watching it all unfold, I can't help but feel that Sheen, in his current state, won't survive this calendar year. I hope I'm wrong, but people who've used drugs for their entire life don't just arbitrarily decide to blink and be done with it. People who go on week long drug vacations like Sheen's often take breaks from their behavior, creating the desire for such marathon escapades. Don't be dumb enough to think that every piss he takes from here forward will come up roses. It's a matter of time before he finds another hotel to redecorate with broken lamps and bloodied hookers. Until Sheen takes a step back from the cameras and realizes that all of his purchased attention is not love or freedom, but newspaper over the mess the dog left on the floor, he's one epic weekend from being part of a "stars we lost in 2011" slideshow.  I know the man loves attention, but that's one applause he needs to stop seeking.

I hope he wakes up from whatever this delusional tirade is and realizes that he's jeopardizing his career, his family, and his own life with his behavior.  I hope he can swallow his own pride and check his own ego long enough to get the help that he needs.  I also hope I win the lottery and the Browns win the Super Bowl.

Here are a couple of memorable quotes from Sheen's media parade:

Twitpic from Charlie Sheen's highly popular twitter feed.

“I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond I cured myself.”

“What’s not to love? Especially when you see how I party, it was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards and all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children.”

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Just one question. Does that sound like someone who's "winning" to you?